Spring’s Perspective…

It was a rough winter.  Lots of snow, gray clouds and bad roads.  There was this one day when I had had enough.  I needed air… needed to breath in something other than my furnace.  That being said, I went to the park.  In –1 degree weather.

Last week I went to the park with my friend Tiffany.  We had both had crazy busy weeks spent in hospitals and houses, and we needed some air.  To take a slow walk in 65 degree weather and chat about life, jobs, friends and plans.  Neither of us have set plans… both of us are waiting on jobs before we find out the next step.  So we went out.  We felt the sunshine and we smiled.

And where in winter the lane looked like this:

In  spring it looked like this:

When the lake was frozen and covered with snow:

 

It was now thawed, and surrounded by families:

And where the world was shades of gray and white before,

I found the ultimate proof that life moves forward and that Spring has sprung:

 

What a difference 4 months makes. 

I can’t wait to see what the next 4 months brings.  There are so many things up in the air, things I am struggling to turn over to God and not stress about.  I look at these pictures and I smile.  As little of time 4 months seem, big changes can occur.  Things that are the same can be so different all at the same time.

I am getting excited about the changes the next 4 months will bring.

Life is good.  Spring has come.

(part of You Capture)

Florida: Heaven's Waiting Room

The last few weeks I have been struggling through dealing with death. Particularly elderly patients being brought to my room in full cardiac arrest and me and my co-workers do everything we can and despite all efforts, it's not enough and my patients die. In 3 weeks I have had four patients just like that and it's rough. For two of the patients, I had to go with the physician and tell their spouses that we couldn't save their beloved family member. It caused me nightmares and it put many questions in my mind about how I am supposed to react to this situation because I know I am going to have to deal with this my entire nursing career.

I received very wise counsel from several nurses that I work with and also Nurse Corrie, and my hero daddy who is also a nurse (not sure if I have mentioned this fact before). Life and death are not in my hands nor in the hands of my co-workers or the physician's. It is solely in the Master's hands. My responsibility is to use the gifts and skills that He gave me to carry out His plan.

Even though I understand this, it's still hard to prepare a body for the morgue. This is something I don't think I will ever get used to doing and I don't like it one bit. I've done it twice and I can't even express how hard it is for me. But, it's part of my job.

Last night I had a different sort of patient. He came to us as a possible overdose and he was only in his 30's. EMS brought him to us and he was barely breathing but they hadn't intubated him. He was completely unresponsive and Narcan did nothing to bring him around. The doctor prepared to intubate him and since he was my patient, I had to grab the drugs. I was nervous and my hands were shaking because the physician working the patient has a reputation for being harsh during code situations which this wasn't but it ended up turning that direction.

Almost everything went wrong with this guy, he was tough to intubate and even after the doc and respiratory got it he still wasn't ventilating well. It turns out that the cuff on the intubation tube that keeps it in place was blown so they had to switch the tube out. After he was intubated his blood pressure dropped to almost nothing and nothing we did could get it up. Bag after bag of fluids were hung, two types of pressors were started and still his pressure was only like 70/50. I felt such despair and hopelessness because I felt like all my efforts were for naught and he wasn't going to make it.

I juggled with the pressure issue for like 45 mins and finally got it stabilized but then it was another issue and then another. This young man was sick and I was virtually taking care of him by myself because five patients from a car accident were brought in who required the attention of the doc and the rest of the nurses.

I really can't even properly express how tough this patient was to care for and how badly I wanted him to pull through and how defeated I felt. He ended up being in rhabdomyolysis and metobolic acidosis, secondary to whatever he overdosed on. He never woke up despite not being on any type of depressive medicine to keep him asleep while intubated. I never did get him stabilized enough to take him to get his head scanned in CT. Night shift came and even though I would have liked to have gotten the patient up to the ICU, they weren't ready for him yet so I had to pass report to night shift. Luckily the night nurse is a man whom I respect very much and he has taught me a lot through this first year of me being a nurse and he didn't criticize what had or hadn't done and he didn't complain about getting dumped this drain-circling patient.

I didn't leave work til 8pm which NEVER happens because I had to catch up on charting for the past 4 hours. I was mentally and physically exhausted when I got home. I called my dad to talk about everything and see if I did right by this patient. I work again Sunday so it will be interesting to see if I can figure out what happened to this patient after I left and how he's doing now. I am pretty sure I did the best I could and I hope it was enough. I learned a whole lot through all of this and I hope it makes me a better nurse.

A nurse once quoted M*A*S*H to me, actually the very same nurse who took over for me last night. He said, "The first rule of medicine is people die. The second rule is doctors (and nurses) can't change the first rule."

I must press on and keep doing my best and leave the outcome in God's hands. So much easier said than done.

Sharing some sweet

It has been a crazy week at work. I had a patient that REFUSED to leave.  Seriously, they were supposed to be out of the hospital at 5, and I didn’t convince them to leave until 9.  There were patients with extreme dementia who would try to kick you every time you got close.  Patients who had made complaints against staff and required 2 of us in the room at all times.  3 out of the past 5 nights I didn’t even start passing meds until 930, much less be done by then.  It has been like a 2 week long full moon.

Last week in the midst of the confusion one of my coworkers brought in dark chocolate cookies with toffee chips.  They were awesome… and much needed on a bad night.  So when Hy-Vee put their strawberries on sale for 4lbs for $4, I decided it was my turn to return the favor.

You start with a not-sweet biscuit.  if you are me, you start with a not sweet biscuit that has 2 different kinds of sugar in it because when you run to the store to buy more flour you don’t realize you are out of white sugar as well..

Add a pile of strawberries that were sprinkled with powder sugar and left in the fridge to create their own sweet juice…

And cover with whip cream for the final touch of sweetness.

(and if you are me, you go back halfway through for more whip cream because you ate the whip cream faster than the strawberries…)

Then you take it to work where some amazing nurses who all look a little ragged by 1am all get excited when you plop it on the counter in the galley, and tell you how fast they inhale it in between delivering pain meds and charting.  And what started out as a  fairly bad night turned into a pretty good one.

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And just for grins… I think this picture is pretty sweet because it is the first one I figured out how to run an action on.  I still don’t have it all down, but just figuring out the basics made me happy.

(vintage action from Rita’s Coffeeshop)

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Part of You Capture

Fresh

Sitting on my couch with fresh air streaming in the open balcony doors is heavenly.  My apartment no longer smells of stale heater air and my glade air freshener.  It smells… like sunshine and spring.  Fresh.

I went to the zoo the other day and found someone else enjoying fresh air and sunshine

I don’t think Mr. Hippo moved the whole time we were there.

And I desperately wanted to get a book and a glass of lemonade and hang out here for a couple of hours.

Fresh white flowers against a blue, blue sky…

And a baby just waiting to burst through.

 

I am loving spring.

Part of You Capture

Walk of Shame

I got written up today. 4 years at the same job and I got written up. It was for a very stupid reason too. It wasn't because I had yelled at patient or had given poor care. Nope. I got written up for a misplaced mouse click. My boss called me into her office and showed me a sheet of labs with my name at the top saying I had printed it.

Dang Technology.

I had printed a patient her labs of the computer which apparently I am not supposed to do without having her sign a consent. And to top it all off, I printed the wrong patient's labs off. This is a HIPAA violation. Ouch. I feel like a complete moron. I totally know better. My boss was sorry that she had to write me up. She said she wished she could play it off or make it a verbal warning but she couldn't because it involved higher ups and all that jazz. I think she is used to people whining and trying to fight it because she was like "Do you understand? I am sooo sorry!". Yeah I understand. Obviously I did it. Obviously they are for the wrong patient. I won't be doing that anymore that's for sure.

I was glad in a way that it happened because it was a reminder that everything I do can have repercussions. In a hospital, you have to be ever mindful of everything you do because it can come back and bite you. I need to be very careful and precise with all charting and especially printing. I also had a nice chat with my boss because I don't spend time in her office very often. She asked how I was feeling about everything and if there is anything that is causing me trouble. I told I don't feel too awfully comfortable managing medication drips because I don't do it very often and that I hoped all my charting was thorough enough. We talked about it for awhile and I feel a bit better after our conversation.

I still love my job and (almost) all the people I work with. There is always a helping hand around. Someone to turn to for advice. No one ever makes me feel stupid. I am finally beginning to connect with my coworkers. It's going to be tough when I decide to leave someday because I am quite comfortable in my little emergency department. That's not always a good thing.

Attitude Adjustments.

Last night one of the respiratory therapists asked me what was wrong, and said that I always look unhappy. 

Always look unhappy.

That made me want to cry.  I am not unhappy at work.  Believe it or not, most nights I like my job.  I usually like my patients.

(At least on the nights where I don’t have 2 individual patients having various degrees of a psychotic break at the same time.  Those nights I neither like my patients or my job.)

Why do I not look happy?  Do I not smile enough?  I have been thinking lately that I need to work on some attitude adjustments… I don’t like how often I join in the gripping about things we don’t like.  How often I bring up the negative.  How often I complain about day shift and ER and all that jazz… I do it a lot at work.  

But still… I never expected to be told I always look unhappy.

Sigh.  My attitude has stunk lately.  I know it… the people who talk to me daily know it. 

I was told that my facebook status updates have sounded depressed lately.  I had a friend come and take a 2 hour walk with me today after working for 10 hours because she was worried about me.  Now, that says great things about my friend, but not good for me.

I tell people I like my life.  I like my job, I love my apartment.  I have good friends.  But yet I act like it isn’t enough.

Dad was talking to me tonight about a client who is having panic attacks as she sets up a trust fund for her grandson.  She so desperately wants to make the right choice she is having a hard time making any choice.  dad’s thought was that anything was better than what she had now, which is nothing.  There is no losing.

I have a lot of great options, great choices, in my life coming up.  In reality, non of them are bad choices.  Staying here is no more a bad choice than going to alaska or moving back to my hometown.  I have good choices, and eventually I will chose one and be done with it.  But I have always said that I want to be happy where I am now.  Without making a million conditions… I will be happy when I get a house or when I get this job or when I make this group of friends.

I am failing at this goal of being happy.  I don’t like failing, and especially here, so I need to change.  How, I do not know exactly.  I am still working on a plan.  (we all know how I love my plans.) 

I always hear people talk about choosing to be happy.

I want people at work to see me as the girl who is happy.  Who smiles and doesn’t sit around whining about everything that is wrong with the world.

So.  That is my new goal… one attitude adjustment coming right up.  We shall see how it goes…

Comfort

I made it home for the first Easter since I left for college this past weekend.  I somehow made easter into the break to road trip to some other place, not ever caring that I wasn’t home.  This year, however, I was super excited about getting to go home.  Of course, in the pattern of nothing I plan actually working out, I ended up going home 2 days later than planned thanks to a fever, abdominal pain and utter exhaustion requiring me to sleep for 36 hours straight.

My mom prayed I would get good friends in college.  This group of girls was a huge comfort to her, to know I was doing okay with amazing friends.  My core group, my roomies… Easter 2009, right before half of them got married, we went on a road trip to St. Louis.  Awesome weekend…

Our next big road trip is planned for the year we turn 25.  We are all going sky diving.  Except for tiffany and katy who think jumping out of a plane is crazy and who plan on staying on the comfort of the ground and taking pictures.

When I got to the comfort of my home (with a fever of 100.5 at that point) the first thing I saw was this:

CeCe seemed to think since I was paying her attention I should get down and pet her. 

I don’t get down on puppy level all that often, but she seemed to be looking for some love, so I gave in…

Is there any comfort better than have a good belly rub?  She thinks not.

Of course 5 minutes later I was sitting on her because mom wanted pictures of her 1 surprise lily and that was the only way I could get a picture without CeCe knocking over the flowers. 

And there is one other thing I took comfort in this week.  Awhile ago I started an intense search for a camera bag that I liked.  After weeks of not finding anything I liked I called my mom and went into a rant… everything is black.  BLACK.  I hate black.  and they say CANON.  OR NIKON.  Or some other big name.  who wants to carry a bag proudly proclaiming look at me!  I have the potential to have many thousands of dollars of equipment in me! (not that my bag does.) I want to travel. I want to travel with a camera bag that doesn’t look like a camera bag. And pockets.  I want pockets, mom!!!  I want to be able to put my wallet and my phone and keys and probably a book cause I always have a book, but none of these bags have the right pockets!  I don’t usually carry one bag I am definitely not carrying a purse and a camera bag!  and they are all backpacks or with short handles.  I hate backpacks!  I want an across the shoulder bag so I can actually reach things in it. And I want it to be pretty!  and not expensive… omw mom if I was going to spend $200 on a camera accessory I want a new lens!  I can’t find anything I like (end on a wail….)

and so it went on.  Seriously. anyone who knows me knows once I start ranting it goes on for a while. and usually happens again later.  My mom finally stopped answering the phone… and then last weekend made me this.

I am in love. It is neither black or a backpack.

It has pockets!  They are even extra padded as a last minute request. (Yay! my lens can rest in comfort!)

It doesn’t say CANON, but it does have a wooded daisy button from my great grandma’s collection.

Why do I find this a comfort?  Because, Ladies and Gentleman, this bag right here?  It is proof that someone can listen to my rants and actually understand me. 

Isn’t it beautiful?  I think I am getting the Canon 55-250 to put in it this week.  (anyone have any opinions on that lens? I already have 18-55 and the set 50).

Part of you capture hosted this week by Keli and usually by Beth.

Feet.

When I was in Florida a couple of weeks ago Ricki and I went for a spa day in St. Augustine.  We got massages… facials… and pedicures.  I LOVE the final products of pedicures… smooth heels, pretty nails.  I HATE the the filing part, though.  It gives me chills and makes me flinch, which is not good when someone is messing with your feet.  But still, don’t they make toes look pretty?

OHH!!!  And while we are on Florida and feet and all that jazz, check out Nurse RaDonna’s  super hot birthday shoes

She claims they are very comfortable, but she was the first one to kick them off later in the evening… 

I am in this photography class and we have been going to a museum across the street from the school to take pictures.  Last class everyone was focusing on taking pictures in the reflecting pool, but I saw the freaky headless statue thingy's and instantly thought, FEET!!! 

I love this photo.  I do not know why.  I just find myself staring at it…

I also love photoshop elements.  I am just learning how to use it, and it seems endlessly complicated, but I figured out how to do textures a couple of weeks ago and it is just so.much.fun.

Granted, so far no one I have shown this picture to seems to like it.  I have heard the words “weird”, “interesting”, and “I don’t get it” from several people.  But I like it, and that is the important part.

 

(Part of You Capture this week being hosted by Keli at Kidnapped by Suburbia while Beth enjoys her beautiful baby boy.)