The Act of Patience.

I have been struggling with patience lately. Not usually something I have a problem with, in all honesty (can I admit that without sounding stuck up? I have issues, just not that one...) I don't know what is different lately, but my guess is a combo of a crazy schedule (try on 2, off 1, on 1, off 1, on 2 and see how well your body knows what way is up), the fact that the fall is finally winding down, the fact that I desperately want to go home (TOMORROW), the fact that I have been worried about friends and am more stressed than I have been since Junior year when I started researching waitress jobs in Alaska.

There is an IA (IA=information associate=unit secretary) on our floor who is pretty much worthless. As in, half of the orders she puts in are wrong, if she doesn't understand it she tends to skip it, and she asks the same questions over and over. Normally I handle it okay... normally I whine in my head but answer her questions with a smile, double check the double check and put in my own orders whenever possible. The last few nights, however, I have just not been able to handle her. She called me last night to ask a question, and I was abrupt. I told her I didn't know and hung up. I didn't say thanks when got my chart. I didn't tell her it wasn't an issue when I had to take the chart back up twice to get things fixed. I told her what I needed and when she started asking questions I said "I don't know ask someone else" and walked away. This morning I am not proud of myself. That is not the nurse I want to be. The co-worked I want to be. I like helping people learn. And I want to be the person who is nice, not the rude person. I hate that last night I forgot how hard she is trying... how much she works to do her job that supports her and her daughter/granddaughter. How she is (I am sure) really under-educated. I forgot that. and maybe there is reason. After doing a job for as long as her, she should be better. But I should be, too. Cause I ask a lot of questions. And I know what it is like to be over your head. and I have a standard to live up too... the ultimate healer's standard, in fact, and I failed last night.

I was going to blog today how good I am getting at IVs. I have gotten the last several that I have started, easy=peasy. Then, I failed. Twice. and about cried. I hate that I can't start IVs. I hate that I don't want to be a charge nurse because what kind of leader can't do IVs? I hate that out of all the things in this career I cannot conquer, it is something that easy. They tell me to visualize it, to do it by touch and not sight. To go in believing that I can do... negative attitude is the pits. But I didn't even hit blood last night. Not even like I blew the vein, I never found it. But then I started thinking... maybe I need to have more patience with myself. I soared through school... it was my thing. I was on top and I loved it. Then I hit the floor and the bottom dropped... and I am still trying to find my wings. I want to be super nurse. I want to be the one others look at and say, oh she is good. I want to be there now. But honestly? I have done this job for 18 months. It is okay that I don't know everything. I am learning something new every day. It is okay that I don't get all the IVs that I start. I get a lot, and I keep making myself try before I bring someone else in. and whereas I will always struggle to be better, maybe I need to have some more patience with the fact that I am still a baby nurse and it is okay for me to not be perfect. Even if that is what I want with all my being. and you know what? In 20 years I am going to be a force to reckon with... and i am going to rock at IVs. Until then? I need to learn to show myself some grace. and remember to pass that grace along to others. Not always and easy thing to do...

Because I am bored and I was reading my facebook notes...

I posted this on facebook last fall. It made me happy to read it today, so I thought I would share.

1. I have a Wii. With Mario Kart. I am very bad at Mario Kart. I run into the walls. I also have a Wii Fit board. I am considered unbalanced. Probably true. I beat Tiffany at Mario Kart, but not on the fit board. she is more balanced.
2. I read a lot. My mom says I am an emotional reader in ways that people are emotional eaters. Does this make sense to anyone?
3. I am turning into my mother. Which is okay, cause my mom is cool.
4. I have gotten very good at chest compressions in the past two months. Which is not especially a good thing.
5. I love the idea of living in Alaska. Someday I will travel nurse there and stay for a while. Feel free to come visit me.
6. My favorite places in the world: 1. Axtell/Hillcrest (aka grandparents). 2. Paradise Valley Nature Reserve (waterfall beats ocean any day). I wish there was something like it here 3. Florida. Hate the place, but a lot of my favorite people are there.4. My couch with a good book. even better, at home where mom is cooking while I sit on the couch.
7. I just bought a new car. A 2009 Hyundai elantra. I love it like mad, but I still kind of miss my old grandma car. A lot of good memories happened in that car.
8. There are squirrels that live in our ceiling. I listen to them a lot, and am thinking about naming them. The one that keeps running into the duct work I think I shall name crash.
9. I watch a lot of Sci Fi, which is kind of funny. I was very sad when they canceled Starga te:Atlantis.
10. Some people thrift store shop for clothes or furniture. I buy books. I have more books than I have room for, which is sad. Because I totally plan on buying more (such as the one that is in the mail right now that I bought cause I felt sorry for myself cause I was sick and I had to go to work. That is the kind of excuse I use to buy books)
11. I feel guilty when they call and ask me to work extra. Even if I already have plans, and I say no, I still feel guilty. I need to get over this soon, since they tend to call a lot.
12. I have lived/am living with the best group of roommates ever. They were an answer to my mother's prayer that Corrie make good friends at college. They make me happy. Keep me grounded. God is good.
13. I love my job. I complain about it a lot, but I really do love it. I wouldn't want to do anything else, even be a waitress in Alaska, which was my backup plan throughout college.
14. Calling and bugging my brother is high up on my list of favorite things to do. It is a game to see how long I can make him talk to me before he finds an excuse to hang up.
15. I am very proud of the e-mails I write, especially to my grandparents. They make people laugh.
16. I am the only person in my family with red hair. I have been to family reunions, no red hair. It does appear in the beards of various brothers/uncles/cousins. On the same note, my mother has always been very opposed to me dyeing my hair. I did it, and she didn't notice for 4 days. I told her she is no longer allowed to comment.
17. My birthday is my favorite day of the year. My apartment will be turning green sometime in the next couple of weeks. Everyone should celebrate it. ( and no, chelsie, it is not just about beer and greed.)
18. I love Africa. I am planning on going back. Maybe this year, if I can find a good trip. Anyone know of any good medical missions to Africa?
19. I love school. I am planning on starting my master's soon, for no other reason than I want to take advanced pathophysiology.
20. In my opinion no one who graduates from nursing school has any clue whatsoever how to be a nurse. I have been doing this job for 6 months, and I still feel clueless. Slightly less clueless, it is true, but still clueless.
21. My dad thinks I should be able to write a book since I read so many. I tell him it is not quite the same thing. He doesn't believe me. Maybe some day I will give in and write a good mystery involving a nurse who solves the crime and gets the guy.
22. I am a greenbay Packers fan. Thanks to my roomie from WI. It helps that their team color is green.
23. I love being the baby of my family. I am spoiled, I freely admit it, and it is nice. Very nice.
24. When I am bored at work I sit and look at house through www.frontdoor.com I picked out my dream house on Roosevelt road, College Hill, Wichita. I really want a house. With a library. And a dog. Lots of windows. Laundry room where I don't have to use quarters. Ahhh... dream big.
25. Freshman seminar I called myself Chatterbox Corrie. My prof laughed at that, because up until that point I had said, well, nothing. But I do chatter. a lot. My dad tells me, Corrie, your mouth runneth over. I eventually started talking in class too, so my prof believed me. I discovered it was faster to give the right answer and move on than wait for anyone else to talk ( I have not yet decided if that is a good attitude to have, but honestly, 4 hours of HR a day called for that attitude).
26. (cause I like going over) I think I like the person I have become. That makes me happy.

Thoughts a year later: I have been doing this job for 18months and I am starting to feel like I have got it. I desperately want a house, to the extent I am not sure about going to Alaska anymore. They have stopped calling and asking me to work extra, and started calling and asking me to stay home. I am done saying yes. I am now living alone, thanks to people getting married all the time, but I still have the best group of friends. I still enjoy my job.

I do like the person I have become. It is official. And that does make me happy.