The Act of Patience.

I have been struggling with patience lately. Not usually something I have a problem with, in all honesty (can I admit that without sounding stuck up? I have issues, just not that one...) I don't know what is different lately, but my guess is a combo of a crazy schedule (try on 2, off 1, on 1, off 1, on 2 and see how well your body knows what way is up), the fact that the fall is finally winding down, the fact that I desperately want to go home (TOMORROW), the fact that I have been worried about friends and am more stressed than I have been since Junior year when I started researching waitress jobs in Alaska.

There is an IA (IA=information associate=unit secretary) on our floor who is pretty much worthless. As in, half of the orders she puts in are wrong, if she doesn't understand it she tends to skip it, and she asks the same questions over and over. Normally I handle it okay... normally I whine in my head but answer her questions with a smile, double check the double check and put in my own orders whenever possible. The last few nights, however, I have just not been able to handle her. She called me last night to ask a question, and I was abrupt. I told her I didn't know and hung up. I didn't say thanks when got my chart. I didn't tell her it wasn't an issue when I had to take the chart back up twice to get things fixed. I told her what I needed and when she started asking questions I said "I don't know ask someone else" and walked away. This morning I am not proud of myself. That is not the nurse I want to be. The co-worked I want to be. I like helping people learn. And I want to be the person who is nice, not the rude person. I hate that last night I forgot how hard she is trying... how much she works to do her job that supports her and her daughter/granddaughter. How she is (I am sure) really under-educated. I forgot that. and maybe there is reason. After doing a job for as long as her, she should be better. But I should be, too. Cause I ask a lot of questions. And I know what it is like to be over your head. and I have a standard to live up too... the ultimate healer's standard, in fact, and I failed last night.

I was going to blog today how good I am getting at IVs. I have gotten the last several that I have started, easy=peasy. Then, I failed. Twice. and about cried. I hate that I can't start IVs. I hate that I don't want to be a charge nurse because what kind of leader can't do IVs? I hate that out of all the things in this career I cannot conquer, it is something that easy. They tell me to visualize it, to do it by touch and not sight. To go in believing that I can do... negative attitude is the pits. But I didn't even hit blood last night. Not even like I blew the vein, I never found it. But then I started thinking... maybe I need to have more patience with myself. I soared through school... it was my thing. I was on top and I loved it. Then I hit the floor and the bottom dropped... and I am still trying to find my wings. I want to be super nurse. I want to be the one others look at and say, oh she is good. I want to be there now. But honestly? I have done this job for 18 months. It is okay that I don't know everything. I am learning something new every day. It is okay that I don't get all the IVs that I start. I get a lot, and I keep making myself try before I bring someone else in. and whereas I will always struggle to be better, maybe I need to have some more patience with the fact that I am still a baby nurse and it is okay for me to not be perfect. Even if that is what I want with all my being. and you know what? In 20 years I am going to be a force to reckon with... and i am going to rock at IVs. Until then? I need to learn to show myself some grace. and remember to pass that grace along to others. Not always and easy thing to do...