Color!

This week on you capture: Find Color!


There has not been a lot of color in the world lately. We had 3 weeks of snow. A week of somewhat sunny weather to melt the snow. Then it got gray outside for a week… then it was foggy. As in, normal visibility is 10 miles; we were down to .3 miles. For 5 days straight. Then it went gray and gloomy again, and I about went mad. Then I woke up Tuesday morning in my parent’s house. My apartment has the bedroom windows blocked so I can sleep during the day. At home there are a million windows to allow in bright sunshine. I ran outside and it was warm! Around 40, I would say, and the sun was shining so bright! Blue skies! I know this picture is somewhat boring… but the sky made me happy. Especially since today it turned cold and we are supposed to get 4-8 inches of snow. Lovely…


I love this flower… one of the last ones still hanging on the bush outside my dad’s office.


Meet Hurley, my Sister Karina’s puppy. The most beautiful brown fur… his ears are longer than his head is wide, and he has such lovely puppy energy. It was hard to get a picture of him that wasn’t pure blur from him moving. This is him enjoying the sun streaming in the window after playing hard all afternoon…

The Golden Rule: nurses version

This morning I told the day nurse that I "despised that patient's soul". In my defense, I didn't mean it quite that way. That was the talk of a nurse who had been running for 3 days straight, getting out late, dealing with computer downtimes, icu transfers, falls, and her. room 48. Every day the nurse told me she was the sweetest lady. Every night she turned into something... not sweet. She argued with me. She called me names. She called her daughter and told her I had tied her down with a metal bar. She got so bad I called the daughter and asked her to come in. at 3am. Not sure i have ever done that before. She was very obviously hallucinating. First clue? She wanted to know why I was purple with one big eye. at the beginning of the evening she cried about how she treated me. Three hours later it would start again. I helped her to the commode, called the doctor, gave her haldol (which did nothing.) I came so close to losing my patience. I complained about her at the desk, and I told the day nurse I despised her soul. Bad choice of words, but honestly, by this morning I was done with her. But you know what? I was the nicest thing with her. I smiled, I held her hand. I spoke softly and patiently with her. I got her up to the commode every 45 minutes for 12 hours straight. I closed the door and kept people out when she fell asleep at 630. I know when she wakes up, somewhat rested, her mind will clear. she will remember the person she was over night, and she will cry. she will hate it.
I came close to losing it, to refusing to go back in. Then it happened. During the night, when I got her up, I asked questions. Questions to see if she could remember things about her life in the midst of the muddle her mind was. You know what I learned? She has 3 kids, who took turns spending the night. She has 8 grandkids. 11 great-grandkids. One of them drew Godzilla on her whiteboard. SHer grandson called from Beijing. Another Grandson comes over every Sunday afternoon to play backgammon and crazy eights. She lives with her daughter. Despite all that was going on, the smile on her face when I said that she must have a special family. Yes, yes I do, she responded. A good life to show for at 95 years old.
A couple rooms down there is a lady I have had many times. A dialysis pt who needs a CABG but has had positive blood cultures for over a month. She is grouchy. Demanding. Refuses to move on her own, wants everything she wants 5 minutes ago. We have been dragging her out of bed, and she hates us for that. She refuses insulin. We have her on a fluid/diet restriction. She thinks we are starving her. I have had her for 4 nights in the past 2 weeks. And she wears at my soul. Never happy, never grateful. Always complaining. I did my best to stay calm, and I think I succeeded. I didn't let her have extra, but I made sure the water she did have was fresh and cold. And then the last night? She was smiling when I got there. SMILING. I noticed something else... pictures on the ledge. Grandkids. A drawn picture that read, my grandma is swet and kinde. I asked about them, and she talked on and on. And slept better that night then I think she has in the month she has been on our floor.

I have been working really hard lately to stay positive. To smile in my patients room, even when I want to strangle someone. The reason? Let me introduce them to you:

Meet my adopted Grandma Julia. She fell a couple of months ago, and ended up spending some time in a nursing home. She cried every time I went to visit her. It wasn't home, the nurses were over worked. Over new years her kids moved her into assisted living. Tomorrow I will go see her in her new home, and smile and tell her how much I love it. It is hard when you can't live alone anymore.

Meet my grandpa. He send me e-mails about how to cook roast and invest my money. He has a heart valve that should have stopped working something like 15 years ago, gets wounds on his leg cause he does things like go shopping when the wind is blowing so hard it slams his car door shut. He takes care of my grandma, who announce a couple of years back that after cooking for 50 years she was done. I love him, and have the distinct impression he would be one of those patients that argues with his nurses a lot.

Meet my mom's mom. She is very proud of me lately because I have developed a love of football. She was put on oxygen this year, and is pretty weak. She still runs the family, though. She is currently unhappy with her doctor because he told her he wasn't a KState fan the day after they beat Texas in a big upset.

Meet my dad's parents. My grandpa has had lung problems for years, and has to go to the hospital a couple of times a week for rehab and iv medications. He has charmed all the nurses so much that every time he goes he gets cookies, cinnamon rolls, fresh coffee, whatever he wants. I went to visit him in the hospital last year when he had pneumonia, and in his tiny-town hospital, pretty sure every person there stopped by to say hi and see how he was doing. pretty sure we are related to half of the staff. My grandma has always been the healthiest of my grandparents, but she has had a rough year with some AFIB, and troubles adjusting her medications. They live in this tiny town that is hands-down my favorite place to go unwind for a couple of days.

These are my reasons for working so hard to stay calm. To smile, to give the absolute best personal care I can to my patients no matter how trying they can be. The reason I have started slowing down, acknowleding that spending some time chatting about the news with the lady in isolation who is all alone is more important than getting every pill passed on time. Not talking medical care, but working more on the personal side. My patients. My people. I am doing it for the basic reasoning behind the golden rule. Do unto others as you want them to do you. Only I am turning it to nursing addition.

Take care of your patients as you hope other nurses are taking care of the people you love who are patients.

I love my grands. I love them, and I am watching as their health fails. I am watching it, I am hating it, and I am praying that they get the best care possible. and that the nurses who care for those I love take the time to talk to them. To learn about the kids, the grandkids, the stories behind their lives.

And while I pray that for them, I walk into room 48 with a smile.

Welcome to Six Flags

I have decided that a roller coaster theme park is the perfect visual for my less than perfect life.

January has definitely been a ride so far and if it's any indication for the rest of the year, I'm gonna need some Dramamine.

The highlight of the month so far was the five day cruise I went on with my family. We all had such a blast and we picked literally the coldest week in Florida to go visit the Caribbean so it worked out beautifully.



I have finally decided that I am now an Emergency Department Nurse. It has taken 7 months of patient's blood and my sweat and tears to get to this point I never thought I would reach. It occurred to me as I watched my patient's heartbeat blip across the screen in a beautifully symmetrical supraventricular tachycardic rhythm. I knew precisely what was wrong with my patient and I knew exactly what he needed to correct his problem. All I needed was the physician to write the orders.

I am finally to the point where I can walk into an exam room with confidence and assist my fellow ED nurses, knowing that I am actually going to do more good than harm. I can finally start thinking about the reason my patient is ill instead of just focusing on each task as the Doctor orders them.

I have by no means "arrived" but the destination is getting closer each and every day.

The low point this month would have to be the mid-twenties young woman who rolled into our ED dead on arrival because she had taken 90 days worth of her anti-depressants at once. Her mom and dad weeped in each other's arms and her finance's anguished cries echoed throughout the department and I was stunned. I wondered what happened to this poor girl to cause her to think that death was the only alternative. I tried to picture what it would be like to discover that someone in my family or one of my friends had taken their own life and I was instantly choked up. I got home that night and hugged my mom and sat on my baby sister's bed as we chatted about her day.

I love my job but I didn't that day. I adore being Super Nurse and victoriously snatching people from the fangs of death. I hated the thought that this beautiful woman who had so much to live for could only see the pain and tears and chose to end her own life prematurely.

I hope that God never lets me grow callous towards the plights of my patients.

So there you have it. 2010 starts off with bang.

In my personal opinion, roller coasters are the best part of theme parks even though some times you drop so low you don't feel like you can take it anymore and you want off so bad but you know there is now way out unless you hang on for the ride. Why should I spend my journey scared and miserable, clinging to the handrail in terror? The best way to ride a coaster is with both arms high in the air, screaming with laughter.

I'm going to enjoy the ride.

Things I love!

The challenge this week is to take pictures of things you love around your home. I love my apartment... always have. The living room is huge, big enough for all of my people. I have an extra room for a library/sewing room. All of my stuff from Africa/Guatemala/Europe. I loved having roommates, and I have enjoyed having it to myself. There are a million things I thought about taking pictures of, but two things stuck out,so here we go:


This is a clock my great grandma gave me. I love the story behind it. Great Grandpa Ross took her to detroit. She didn't want to go, but he had a line on a new car for free, maybe, or a significant discount, so she went along. While they were there they went shopping and found this clock. Grandma mentioned liking it, Grandpa said he hated it, and she bought it. It hung on their living room wall for 40 some odd years. I have these memories of going over in high school and helping her glue back on the diamonds. When she moved into assisted living, she wanted it to go with her. 4 months later, when we were taking down her apartment after she died, my name was taped to the back of it. It requires winding, which I never do so it isn't actually functional, but I love it all the same.


I have a lot of picture frames. I figured I would stick all the pictures together, because there are a lot. These aren't even all of them, just the ones in the biggest groups (for the record, my sister has probably 3 times as many as I do. It is a family thing). I love them, because I live here, by myself, with my favorite people spread out all over the place. I have pictures of people in florida, pictures of grandparents, pictures from graduation and pictures of road trips. It doesn't matter how bad my day is. I can't make it to my bed, out of my bedroom, to the dining room, or to my books, without passing a collection of pictures, a collection of memories, that make me smile. And don't we all need something that is guaranteed to make us smile?

(update: so apparently I fail at MckLinky cause my link didn't work the first time... so I just added it again. hopefully it works this time. sigh.)

the week from...

This week was less than good. I made the stupid decision to go in early on Tuesday, they desperately needed help and I am trying to pick up extra hours. I seriously underestimated how different working 15 hours is as compared to 13 hours. I was beat by the end of the first night, and never recovered... and that was just the first night. I had three nights of irrigating bladders every hour, turning post-stroke patients, convincing a patient that the bed wasn't moving on it's own, calling doctors (4 times on one patient... by the last time she was like, yes corrie? of course, by then she didn't care what I had to say and didn't order anything... 5 minutes later the next doctor came in and wanted to know why we weren't giving the patient any blood. oh... and why we didn't have a continuous irrigation set up, which the doctor refused to order 6 hours before. *sigh* life would be easier if doctors would just listen to the nurses. just saying...).
On it went. The last night was by no means an easy night, but by that point it was so much better than the previous that I called it good... and at the end I came home. slept for 8 hours. was awake for 6 hours. slept for 12 more. I am starting to feel slightly more human. slightly.

I like my job, but there are weeks that wear me out. Weeks that I do everything I can, and then day shift comes in and criticizes the one thing I didn't get done. Weeks when I answer every call the patient makes, only to have them criticize me to the doctors. Weeks I come home feeling like an utter failure, and dream of iv's beeping in the background. Yet there were good parts... I got to sit a station with one of my favorite nurses, and we listened to Wilco. I had an aide who actually helped. and on the first night, which was by far the worst, I looked in my mailbox at work and found a letter:
Dear NurseCorrie,
I got compliments from the patient in 4** for your care. She thought you were wonderful and attentive.
Thanks for all you do for our floor... wound care, great patient care, helping other staff.
K**** (my boss)

I smiled. Stuck it on my desk next to my computer... and answered the next page.

Winter

So one of my goals for 2010 is to both get better at using my camera and to get better at photoshop. To go along with that there is a challenge called "you capture" hosted over on the "I should be folding laundry" blog. Each week they get a new challenge... and I am wanting to play along. Not sure if I will make it every week, but we will see...

This week's goal is to capture winter. Winter this year has equaled a longer run of colder temps than we have had in many many years... more snow on the ground and for longer than anyone can remember... a white christmas that meant getting to the celebrations was hard... and getting so incredibly tired of being inside that I took my camera to the local park when it was <1 outside and took pictures for over an hour. My fingers were cold.

There is a lake there in the background... I so wanted to go sliding around on it like the people on the other side but I couldn't even step off of the road without being in snow over my boots




I totally want to string lights around this tree and make it a giant christmas tree. and seriously? What determines what branches get snow? I love the dusting...

I am so going to find this bench sometime when there isn't 6 inches of snow on it. Doesn't it just look like it is perfect for a good book on a sunny day?

not even

So 2010 came in with a flood... a flood of C-Diff that my patient covered the floor with every time she stood up. I told her not too, she didn't listen, and I ended up using 6 purple-top wipes and 2 bleach wipes on my shoes before I would let them in my car.

I have a lot on my mind today... this whole past couple of weeks. It is overwhelming, swirling in circles and I can't get out of it. I have talked so much my dad is refusing to have the conversation again. So much I don't want to have it again.

I have goals for 201:
1) become an ICU nurse.
2) get a house with a laundry room, garage, and backyard.
3) get certified in something. anything.
4) get involved in something that includes non-married people my age. I am so tired of married people. not that I don't love my married friends, but still.

Good goals, right? Here in lies the problem. I don't know how to accomplish these goals. I don't know where I want to live... kc or home... and the thought of making that choice freaks me out so completely I don't know how I ever will. For the first time there is no clear direction. First there was highschool.... work as hard as possible, get good grades, take college classes, get A's. Find a college with a good nursing program. Not a lot of options for christian colleges with good nursing programs close to home. I went to MNU. There it was easy... go to class. Do good. Make friends. Graduate. I got a job where my internship was. I knew I liked it, I got hired. I stayed. Step by step I knew what was next, and now I don't. I told RaDonna last night that I am scared of failing... she laughed. But honestly? I feel like this is where I determine a big point of my life, and that scares me. Where I go from here determines where my career goes. What college I end up teaching at (my eventual goal). What ICU I work for... if I work at a cardiac icu or surgical. Where I get my masters. It determines life things. Who I meet. do I live near family or friends? and honestly, if I move to Wichita I want to go to alaska as a travel nurse first. So can I apply to a hospital in wichita telling them I can't start for 4 months?

Sigh

I like my life. I don't like how freaked out I get about the next year. I really don't like that no one understands WHY I get freaked out. and no one does. They do get frustrated about it though, which so doesn't help.

I think part of it is that I am making this call on my own. Yes, I get advice from the people around me (parents especially) but in the end I have to make this decision. All by myself.

I will probably move to Wichita. Because family is the most important thing to me, and over the last month I have really enjoyed spending time with my SIL. My mom. If I moved home my dad would take me out for breakfast. My brother would plow my driveway. I would be connected... and I want that. And my career will be okay. I will be okay. Better than okay... I will be awesome.

RaDonna just sent me a quote":
“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” Bob Moawad quotes

Life is good, my friends. Life is good.

out with the old, in with the new

2009 has been a much harder year than I thought it would be. I endured the toughest semester of nursing school, started out my nursing career in the emergency department, survived the flu and shingles in one week, went right back to school and proceeded to fail College Chemistry, and had my heart ripped out my chest and was left to bleed. Wow...it sounds awful when I put it that way. I had such high expectations last New Year. "I'm going to be a nurse and all my problems will be solved".

Silly Girl.

I think back to who I was a mere 365 days ago and I honestly barely even recognize that girl. I'm thinking that's a good thing. I was living stagnantly for the past 3 years. Same boyfriend, same school, same secretary's desk--every day was exactly the same. I was was living in a tiny box and I was very comfortable there. Thankfully circumstances both of my own doing and some out of my control, have destroyed my cozy little box and forced me out into an open space that I have no idea where it ends.

So what have I learned?

1) My family rocks. I have the two most beautiful, smart, funny, and amazing sisters that roam God's green earth. Yes, we still fight and I still want to inflict bodily harm on them occasionally but I love these two girls. They truly are my best friends and I wouldn't trade them for anyone! My parents are so supportive and thoughtful and just overall awesome. My dad has been my biggest cheer leader listening to me talk about my patients and encouraging me when I want to throw in the towel. My mom has put up with my valley's and rejoiced with me on my mountaintops. Always there for me and really good at keeping my feet on the ground. Yes...I love them all so.

2) Don't give up and never let them see you cry. I just realized today that I have been an ED nurse for 6 months. 6 MONTHS! I feel that this is a major accomplishment. I have never once cried at work since I became a nurse and this is also a major accomplishment for me! I may have cried after I got home but that's ok. There has been about 3-5 days at work that I have wanted to give up and say "screw it, I don't need this career" and I seriously was considering walking away. But that's not an option for me and I am glad I have stuck with it. I am learning so much in my ED and lately I have been getting assigned one of the resuscitation room which is scary but a great way for me to learn.

3) Life goes on. Be grateful for the good times and forget about the bad.

As Good Charlotte says...

"We break up
It's something that we do now
Everyone has got to do it sometime
It's okay, let it go
Get out there and find someone

It's too late to be trippin' on the phone here
Get off the wire
You know everything is good here
Stop what you're doin'
You don't wanna ruin
The chance that you got to
find a new one"

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

4)God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Sure I had a rough year and few times I didn't think I was going to make it or quite frankly, I didn't want to make it, but here I am. I'm alive, I have my health and my family and my awesome friends who keep me sane. God has a plan and purpose for me and these rough patches are shaping me to fulfill my destiny.

So welcome 2010, I'm glad you are here. Let's have a good time, eh? :)

P.S. Corrie, you rock. Thanks for always being there. 2010 will be great! Enjoy the journey my friend!