not even

So 2010 came in with a flood... a flood of C-Diff that my patient covered the floor with every time she stood up. I told her not too, she didn't listen, and I ended up using 6 purple-top wipes and 2 bleach wipes on my shoes before I would let them in my car.

I have a lot on my mind today... this whole past couple of weeks. It is overwhelming, swirling in circles and I can't get out of it. I have talked so much my dad is refusing to have the conversation again. So much I don't want to have it again.

I have goals for 201:
1) become an ICU nurse.
2) get a house with a laundry room, garage, and backyard.
3) get certified in something. anything.
4) get involved in something that includes non-married people my age. I am so tired of married people. not that I don't love my married friends, but still.

Good goals, right? Here in lies the problem. I don't know how to accomplish these goals. I don't know where I want to live... kc or home... and the thought of making that choice freaks me out so completely I don't know how I ever will. For the first time there is no clear direction. First there was highschool.... work as hard as possible, get good grades, take college classes, get A's. Find a college with a good nursing program. Not a lot of options for christian colleges with good nursing programs close to home. I went to MNU. There it was easy... go to class. Do good. Make friends. Graduate. I got a job where my internship was. I knew I liked it, I got hired. I stayed. Step by step I knew what was next, and now I don't. I told RaDonna last night that I am scared of failing... she laughed. But honestly? I feel like this is where I determine a big point of my life, and that scares me. Where I go from here determines where my career goes. What college I end up teaching at (my eventual goal). What ICU I work for... if I work at a cardiac icu or surgical. Where I get my masters. It determines life things. Who I meet. do I live near family or friends? and honestly, if I move to Wichita I want to go to alaska as a travel nurse first. So can I apply to a hospital in wichita telling them I can't start for 4 months?

Sigh

I like my life. I don't like how freaked out I get about the next year. I really don't like that no one understands WHY I get freaked out. and no one does. They do get frustrated about it though, which so doesn't help.

I think part of it is that I am making this call on my own. Yes, I get advice from the people around me (parents especially) but in the end I have to make this decision. All by myself.

I will probably move to Wichita. Because family is the most important thing to me, and over the last month I have really enjoyed spending time with my SIL. My mom. If I moved home my dad would take me out for breakfast. My brother would plow my driveway. I would be connected... and I want that. And my career will be okay. I will be okay. Better than okay... I will be awesome.

RaDonna just sent me a quote":
“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” Bob Moawad quotes

Life is good, my friends. Life is good.