Monday Blues

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I really, truly don't want to go. I am terrified. I used to feel pretty good about my job and my abilities to function as a nurse but lately I seem to have misplaced my confidence and instead there is nasty dread and fear. I think it has something to do with our census creeping up and the fact that all of the patients have been sicker. I also think I should not be getting the trauma room assignments. I am but a baby nurse and 3 very critical patients is a bit much for me. I still need to perfect my time management skills,something that is difficult to do when I have to give one-to-one care to three patients.
I thought that once I graduated, all my problems would dissipate and I would be a kick butt nurse. But instead, I have a whole new set of problems like being scared of losing my license and causing permanent damage or death to my patients. Another new problem is the loneliness, when I had a "boyfriend" I was never, ever lonely. Now I am lonely all the friggin' time. I also thought that school would no longer be an issue but I am struggling so very hard to keep my head above water in my chemistry class/lab.
I guess problems will never go and they will always come. We just have different problems and we have to conquer each one as it comes along. I would like to think I will be happier next spring but that is too much to hope. Something else will come along and I will have to struggle through it. The point must be that it depends on my reaction to the problems. Do I come home from a hard days work and snap peoples heads off, cry and curl up in a fetal position or do I come home, shake it off and pull out my text book so I can handle the situation better in the future and thank God for the experience?

Yes...that must be it...I must react better so that I can learn this lesson and move on to the next lesson. I must be happy with and in myself. Co-dependency is very unattractive and something I shall never be again. I guess I need to give myself some credit too. I cannot rely on everyone else to stroke my ego and say "RaDonna, you are a good nurse." I need to believe it and do my best. The rest will fall into place eventually if I live and learn.

I wish I could have a pre-name and post name for this blog. My pre-name is "Monday Blues", the post name should be "Live and Learn".

P.S. Sorry for the particularly rambling state of this blog. I can't seem to dust the cobwebs off my mind today.