Monday Blues

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I really, truly don't want to go. I am terrified. I used to feel pretty good about my job and my abilities to function as a nurse but lately I seem to have misplaced my confidence and instead there is nasty dread and fear. I think it has something to do with our census creeping up and the fact that all of the patients have been sicker. I also think I should not be getting the trauma room assignments. I am but a baby nurse and 3 very critical patients is a bit much for me. I still need to perfect my time management skills,something that is difficult to do when I have to give one-to-one care to three patients.
I thought that once I graduated, all my problems would dissipate and I would be a kick butt nurse. But instead, I have a whole new set of problems like being scared of losing my license and causing permanent damage or death to my patients. Another new problem is the loneliness, when I had a "boyfriend" I was never, ever lonely. Now I am lonely all the friggin' time. I also thought that school would no longer be an issue but I am struggling so very hard to keep my head above water in my chemistry class/lab.
I guess problems will never go and they will always come. We just have different problems and we have to conquer each one as it comes along. I would like to think I will be happier next spring but that is too much to hope. Something else will come along and I will have to struggle through it. The point must be that it depends on my reaction to the problems. Do I come home from a hard days work and snap peoples heads off, cry and curl up in a fetal position or do I come home, shake it off and pull out my text book so I can handle the situation better in the future and thank God for the experience?

Yes...that must be it...I must react better so that I can learn this lesson and move on to the next lesson. I must be happy with and in myself. Co-dependency is very unattractive and something I shall never be again. I guess I need to give myself some credit too. I cannot rely on everyone else to stroke my ego and say "RaDonna, you are a good nurse." I need to believe it and do my best. The rest will fall into place eventually if I live and learn.

I wish I could have a pre-name and post name for this blog. My pre-name is "Monday Blues", the post name should be "Live and Learn".

P.S. Sorry for the particularly rambling state of this blog. I can't seem to dust the cobwebs off my mind today.

CNA School

In 2004, Corrie and I went to CNA school together. As we started class in the spring of that year, we were full of optimism and cute as buttons in our beautiful scubs that our moms made for us. Little did we know how completely terrifying it would be! Our first encounter with patients of any kind were an elderly couple, both had to be in there 80's. They shared a room with each other in the nursing home and we were told to help them get up and ready for breakfast. Seems simple enough, right? Well, for starters, the wife had bilateral amputations above the knee and I was supposed to help her put on her prosthetic legs. We hadn't exactly gone over that in Nurses Aide 101! And I had to empty my first bedpan! I nearly puked and spent the next half-hour hiding in the hall. Corrie decided that she never wanted to get old and was pretty sure that she didn't want to be a nurse's aide, much less a nurse.
 We manged to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and by the end of our 2 month clinical rotation, we were passing trays and dressing the elderly like nobody's business. I would say about 99% of the time, we didn't go anywhere in that nursing home without the other one. We were completely co-dependent! We both got our licences after passing the state board exam the first time around. We relied on each other so much during CNA school and we continued to rely on the other one during nursing school.
Even though Corrie wasn't standing beside me when I put my first foley catheter in or started my first IV, I knew she had done it already and it sucked just as much for her as it was sucking for me right now. And I knew that when I got home I would be able to get on instant messenger and tell her all about it as we played backgammon. I would listen to Corrie in awe as she described watching her first open heart surgery and I laughed at her when she told me about one of the many times she made a fool of herself in front of her patients. I would rejoice for her when she passed another test with a fantastical 99, and dread my NCLEX after hearing her describe the horrendous test.
It's hard to believe we both are licensed professionals when I think back to our humble beginnings but here we are, and I am pretty sure I wouldn't have survived the entire ordeal without Nurse Corrie!

Us

Nurse Corrie
PLUS
Nurse RaDonna



EQUALS:

Us getting into some totally random situations we are not sure how to get out of.

The end.